Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.