[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
How to find Kentucky on a map
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.