*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
12653.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Does this dress make me look cat?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money