[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
A little too much information.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.