*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.