*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.