At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.