@curlycomedy: At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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@MattMcElaney: GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I'd rather be "uncool" than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
@TheTweetOfGod: Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it's not.
@DelanieFischer: People who don't have a name for their newborn, What the shit did you do for 9 months?