@WillMckenzieNot: At a restaurant: "Would you like a table?" "No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."
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@scorpicpanda: If there's awkward silence & he asks what you're thinking about "emotionally damaged werewolves" is not the best answer. I know this now.
@KeetPotato: [talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] "FIFTEEN-LOVE"
@TheBoydP: Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
@CanadianCyn: The garbage man is late. I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.