At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
You Might Also Like
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing