*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
tis the season
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
What do you hear?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday