*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
crazy
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
i wish we could shoplift online
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco