[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
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[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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