At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.