[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.