[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213