@suzieQ0007: At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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@Robinbuble: Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
@NJPsychDoc: My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia
@Wine_Honey1: When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you're not half asleep. COPULATIONS! IT'S A BOY just confuses everyone.