[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
The struggle is real
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.