[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.