[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
No selfies while hijacking a train.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
everyone’s a critic
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?