[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me when my alarm goes off
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham