[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
happy mother’s day❤️
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Name another movie that mislead you?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Extremely relatable.