[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Okay me first
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
So sick of all these stupid rules
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance