@atanya1111: At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.
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@EndhooS: [On a date at a restaurant] So this is nice huh? "Yea,uh, who's that?" *Dad is breathing on the window and writing 'VIRGIN' in the steam*
@LizzieEMB: Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate? Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
@KeetPotato: [5 mins after seeing our neighbour's new boat] wife: "everything's a competition to you" me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] "no it's not"