Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too