[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..