[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.