[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I love the honesty
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
When you let grandma cat sit
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”