My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
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Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.