Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.