[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
So the ex texted me
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔