[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss