[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.