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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡