[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
He just like my cat fr
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.