[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
You Might Also Like
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.