*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same