*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms