[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics