[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.