[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work