[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
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Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.