*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Spotted in New Orleans.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*