[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
August 8
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.