[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
😆this is so true
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.