[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Our lord and savoury.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today