[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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This is my pinned tweet
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha