“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You Might Also Like
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
there’s probably a fee though
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?