At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
You Might Also Like
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
so weird how every mom was born today
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.