At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.