At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I don’t make the rules sorry
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.