*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect