[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Seas the day!!!!
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.